KateTakes5′s Listography this week is one to make any parent gulp! My mum and dad never had any wishes for their kids, beyond the usual, ’As long as they’re happy and healthy’ and I’m glad to report that, 90 per cent of the time, their wishes have been fulfilled.
But we live in a more competitive age. Of course we still want those age-old ambitions of happiness and health, but we also require oh so much more.
So here are my Top 5 Wishes For My Children…
1. THAT THEY LEAVE HOME AT 16
That was the age I left home and it was the best thing that could have ever happened for the relationship with my parents before we killed each other. I love my kids dearly, but with one bathroom between us and the fact that the stepdaughter already spends half an hour in their in the mornings, plus the fact that my sons are, according to the Centile Scale, are going to be at least 6ft 2, I think it’s for the best that they vacate the property as soon as it is legal for them to do so.
2. THAT THEY EARN MILLIONS SO THEY CAN BANKROLL MY DREAM OF OWNING A RESTAURANT
I didn’t have kids out of love and connection, I had them for the same reasons I bought a flat: an investment. Those little guys are my pension. It is why I devote hours of my precious time to the Housedad’s Homework Club – so that they will soar to success in their chosen professions – as long as those ‘chosen’ professions earn them squillions. I reckon the King of Saudi’s Harem Keeper might be quite lucrative. Then I can crack on with RHD’s STEAK, CHEESE AND THICE-COOKED CHIPS GRILL.
3. THAT THEY HAVE GRANDKIDS BEFORE I DIE
At 48, I’m not the youngest of dads. I didn’t have my first-born until I was 41. If my eldest son waits that long I will have been pushing up the daisies long before he becomes a dad. Which would be a shame, because I know how much my dad gets out of his grandkids when we visit. I’d like to experience some of that, too. Twice a year. That would be enough.
4. THAT THEIR OWN CHILDREN ARE AS MESSY AS MINE
So that they can experience the sheer hell of listening to one’s nagging, hectoring voice day-in, day-out as I plead with them to tidy their bedrooms/pick up the towels/throw the sweet wrapper in the bin/throw that banana skin away, before adding: ‘THIS IS MY HOME, NOT A RUBBISH TIP – JUST YOU WAIT ‘TIL YOU GET A PLACE OF YOUR OWN, I’M GOING TO COME ALONG WITH A GIANT RUBBISH LORRY AND TIP IT ALL OVER YOUR CARPETS’
5. THAT THEY ARE POLITE, SELF-AWARE AND ALWAYS RESPECT THEIR ELDERS…
..especially me.
• What wishes do you have for your children? Head over to Kate’s Listography and share yours.
