Tag Archives: Stepdaughter

February 28, 2012

I’m often asked: ‘Would you like another baby?’

'Where's he going now?'

They say women forget the pain of childbirth pretty darned quickly, otherwise no-one would be insane enough to go through it again. Except for masochists.

Well there is an equivalent for dads. OK, it’s not quite in the same league as pushing a melon out through a keyhole, but it still qualifies in terms of Sentimental Memory Loss Syndrome.

It pertains to the issue of Having Another, as in the question I am often asked: ‘So, are you guys going to have any more kids? Would you like one?’

Now as the oldest of four boys and the father of two sons, I’ve always fancied having a daughter. Yes, I have a 10 year-old stepdaughter, but she is Very Much Not Mine. She has her own dad. She likes it that way; he likes it that way; and I Very Much Like It That Way.

But a daughter of my own? That’s a different question. The answer, even at the knackered and groaning age of 48, is often ‘Yes’, depending on how much I’ve had to drink when the question is occasionally curve-balled my way.

Sobriety soon dissuades me of this fantasy, for the simple reason that I know Mother Nature doesn’t let you pick and choose (though I read an appalling report last week that some doctors actually terminate girls on request in one part of the UK).

Anyway, I’d  quite like a daughter, yes. And actually, depending on what mood I’m in, I wouldn’t even say No to another boy for the simple reason that mine aren’t babies any more and I actually really, really liked them when they were.

Oh how the mind plays tricks on you!

On Saturday, I had a short and very sweet – but ultimately utterly exhausting – dose of reality of what having a very little ‘un around is like.

I guess I’d never truly experienced it before because when my lot were babies, I was at work. I never got to see the havoc a Motivated Mini can wreak on an adult life. But I experienced it yesterday.

My stepdaughter’s dad came over to ours to collect the Light of His Life and with him he brought his one year-old son (my stepdaughter’s youngest, baby brother – pay attention at the back!)

‘Why don’t you take Daisy out for an hour? I’ll look after Freddie,’ I suggested.

The last time I saw a man move that fast was when Usain Bolt broke the 100m record. Out the door he shot, leaving me and my two sons literally holding the baby. He stepdaughter’s real dad’s baby!

Except he wouldn’t be ‘held’. The boy is a force of nature. He’s just learned to walk, he’s just learned to bark commands, he’s just learned to ignore any and every instruction that involves the word ‘No’. And like a pocket-sized Ranulph Fiennes, he was off to explore this strange new world he’d been dropped into.

The stairs were his first mountain to conquer, then the bedrooms, then every thing that wasn’t nailed down in the bedrooms, then the kitchen, then the vegetable rack, then the plug sockets.

My lads tried to herd him like Collies around sheep, but it was to no avail. Little Freddie wanted to see and know and touch and taste everything.

It was wonderful to see how caring my sons were to this strange, super-motivated little rugrat creature who was carefully deconstructing the carefully deconstructed world they’d built for themselves.

But for all the situation’s Aww Factor, I had never felt so on edge. Partly because he wasn’t ‘mine’ (Heaven forbid anything happen to him on MY watch) but mainly because I’d forgotten how child-safe our flat used to be when ours were as little as Fred – and how utterly unsuitable and DANGEROUS it was to a just-walking-semi-crawling one year-old.

So when his dad and sister turned up, I handed him back quicker than the Jamaicans pass the baton in a relay race.

Would I have another baby?

Nah, nope, not on your Nelly. I’ve done my bit.

'Can you let me go, I want to stick my fingers in that plug socket'

 

 

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February 1, 2012

My stepdaughter’s dad has moved 200 miles away. But we will move Heaven and Earth to ensure she still sees him every week

Daisy, with her dad and my son!

Last week, my stepdaughter’s real dad moved 200 miles away because of work. He has seen his little girl pretty much every weekend since he and her mum separated when she was a toddler.

And if I, or her mum – and especially her dad – have anything to do with it (which, of course, we have) he will continue to see her pretty much every weekend from now and forever.

The three of us make this effort because we believe – we know – it is what’s best for our girl.

She needs her dad. Her real dad. End of.

Sadly, though, one in five children from so-called ”broken homes” are not so lucky.

According to a report, 20 per cent of kids lose one parent from their lives for good.

And now the Government is preparing to step in to “tackle the problem”.

Families minister Maria Miller said parents should take responsibility for their offspring for life and reach civilised agreements.

“We want to make sure parents are aware of the effect and the importance of working together to support their children,” she said.

“Really that should be the case irrespective of whether their relationship is intact or not.

They are parents for life and that responsibility is for life.

Mrs Miller is calling for new reforms to prevent the collapse of parental relationships. I don’t believe any Government iniative can force people to stay in contact.

In fact, some children are better off without having contact with an estranged parents, for example, in cases of violence, aggression or abuse.

But Mrs Miller’s intentions are noble enough: parents should have contact with both their parents for all their lives. Their parents should be civilised towards each other, in the best interests of the child. The parents should put aside their differences to create a stable relationship – even if they’re apart.

Should, should, should. It sometimes feels like the longest word in the dictionary.

There have been times in our own situation where things have become fraught and challenging.

Sometimes holiday plans have clashed because of a lack of communication about whose “turn” it has been to have my stepdaughter.

With her dad’s relocation, the logistics of making sure she gets to see him as often as possible is going to be a mammoth challenge for all parties. And it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask whether it actually is in her best interests to be travelling up and down motorways most weekends when she could be playing with her younger brothers or friends.

But I’ve seen the downside of children being deprived of their father – and everyone loses. A friend of mine split up with his wife four years ago – and hasn’t seen his three children since. They are now 16, 13 and 11. But despite his greatest efforts to maintain contact, their mother wanted him out of hers – and their – lives.

His crime was that he left his wife for another woman, who he has since married. In the end, he decided to cease his efforts to stay in contact because he could see how traumatic it was for his children.

Situations like this are a tragedy, for everyone involved. So what can you do, if one parent wants to stay connected to their child, but the other parent wants them out of their lives forever?

The most glib advice in the world to warring parents when emotions are at boiling point is: “Think of your child.”

That is ALL they think about, but because of the tensions, neither can think straight about what really is in the child’s best interests.

But there are practical steps you can take, especially for the parent who no longer lives with the child.

Bob Greig and Rebecca Giraud, founders of the single parent support websitesOnlyDads and OnlyMums offer 6 tips:

1. Keep dialogue going wherever possible. Skype/emails/telephone calls. A mobile phone makes a near perfect birthday present for children these days.

2. If dialogue has broken down between parents try and set up some mediation with a qualified and experienced Family Mediator. OnlyDads and OnlyMums keep an up-to-date directory and service to help you find one near you or your ex partner. Such facilitated support brings many mums and dads together on issues like contact with their children.

3. Talk to friends who have been in a similar position. What did they do? How did they cope? Dads, especially, can be slow in coming forward with such emotional issues, but do try.

4. Absence from children can bring up feelings of loss and near bereavement for many parents. Trained Counsellors can help. The British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapy keep a list of fully qualified counsellors. This is accessible via their website.

5. There are solutions for you to get back in contact with your children. These can involve going to Court, but that does not always mean employing an expensive solicitor. You can always talk with organisations like OnlyDads and OnlyMums to explore what options are open to you and the various routes you can take.

6. Keep trying and don’t give up hope.

Nishma Shah, from advice and support organisation Family Lives said: “When families separate, the key issues can be maintaining contact between the non-resident parent and the child or children and the other issue is agreeing a financial arrangement for child maintenance.

“For many families, agreements are reached as part of the separation process and need to be amicable for all concerned. However, there are families that have broken down that unfortunately have not reached any agreement with contact or finances.

“The impact of this on the children can be enormous especially if they are used to being around a parent who suddenly is not there anymore. It can be hard for parents to make an agreement if there is resentment and anger.”

Family Lives offers this advice:

• Try and separate the issue between you, the parents, and think about the child’s relationship with the non-resident parent.

• If you cannot face the other parent, think about using a friend for the picking and dropping children off.

• Consider mediation services to come to a suitable arrangement.

• If there are issues of trust or has been abusive behaviour, think about supervised contact centres.

• Try to make it a priority to be amicable to the other parent.

• Develop a parenting plan together and try to use this as a guide. There is further advice under the Access Rights section for information on Contact, Child Maintenance and other relevant issues.


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January 6, 2012

My stepdaughter went back to school this week. A new one.

We’d spent months planning it. Worrying, cogitating, strategising, organising.  Working out the pros and cons, the pluses and minuses, the advantages and disadvantages. That’s what choice does to you. Makes you over-analyse. Makes you tautologous.

Except in this case, we didn’t really have a choice.

Our 10 year-old daughter had to leave her old school and start at a new one. The old will close next September, come what may. The bulldozers are already in the car park, preparing to ‘redevelop’ the site. She could either leave at the end of the summer term, and put up with six months of building work going on around her,  or two weeks ago.

We chose the latter. Better to get it over with. Rip the plaster off.

She, of course, wasn’t happy about this. We – her mum, her real dad, and me, her stepdad – tried to give her the illusion of consulting her, but she’s not stupid: she knew it was a fait a complit.

But we didn’t take the decision lightly. The girl has had enough disruption in her life, what with her mum and dad splitting up when she was a baby; what with becoming big sister to my two sons; what with becoming little step-sister to her dad’s new wife’s three kids; what with becoming an even BIGGER sister when her dad and his wife had a baby boy last year.

But just as she has adapted throughout her whole life, we knew, deep down, she would adapt to this, too.

Well, I say ‘we knew’, because Wednesday night was a very sleepless night for us all. My wife lay awake staring at the ceiling, worrying about whether she’d made the right decision, wondering how her little girl would get along on her first day. And at 1am, I nipped downstairs to get a glass of water and popped my head around my SD’s door to find her doing the same as her mum. Which, of course, made me worry, too.

But as I write – an hour after she has returned from her first day – wearing her slightly-too-big new uniform – and ploughs through the maths homework she’s been set – you would never know she’s turned a page onto a new chapter in her life.

‘So, how was it?’ I asked.

She shrugged, as girls her age shrug. ‘Fine,’ she said.

‘Fine? Fine as in “It was bearable but I don’t want to tell you”, or fine as in “fine, good, OK”?’

‘Nine out of 10 “fine”,’ she replied.

‘Nine out of ten? Really?’

‘I’d give it ten out of ten but, well, you know, it’s school. I’m never going to give ten out of ten to school. Besides, I had to sit next to a weird boy. But all boys are weird, I guess. Not as weird as you, though. You’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met.’

‘Oh. Great. OK. What do you want for your tea then?’

She shrugged.

Normal service has been resumed. I don’t know what we were worrying about.

 

 

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December 22, 2011

Recipe Shed: Celebration Sous Vide Turkey Breast and Trimmings

We’re having two Christmas dinners this year on account of the fact that my stepdaughter will be with her dad on the Big Day.

We have a complicated family, but it works, and it works because of this: Daisy stays with her dad every weekend and alternate holidays, and every year she spends either Christmas with us and her birthday with her dad, or vice versa.

This year, it’s her dad’s turn to have the pleasure of her company – which means we get that honour on her birthday, which was today.

Anyone who says children from so-called ‘broken homes’ are damaged should meet Daisy. She is the most happy, well-adjusted child I’ve ever met (though a tad on the messy side!). But she also has the best of both worlds, virtue of her birthday falling when it does (which, coincidentally, is on the same day as my dad’s).

So she gets two Christmases, two birthdays, and more holidays than the Blairs.

For her Christmas/birthday this year, I went all out and cooked a turkey breast with all the trimmings – but with a twist. A Sous Vide twist. I’m not a fan of turkey, but the results were unbelievable. Succulent and juicy, and with a crisp skin once I’d finished it off on the hob.

The ingredients couldn’t be simpler, though the cooking only really works if you have a Sous Vide. I got mine for Christmas last year and I’ve never looked back.

To feed 5

1/2 large turkey breast, boned, skin on
A little olive oil
Chicken seasoning, to rub into the skin

1. Fill the Sous Vide with cold wate3r and set to 56C.  Vac-pack the turkey breast, with the oil and seasoning.

2. When the Sous Vide comes to the right temperature, lower in the vac-packed turkey breast.  Cook for 3-4 hours.

3. Remove the bag from the Sous Vide. Snip open with a pair of scissors, and drain.

4. Heat a couple of tbsps of oil in a large frying pan and fry the turkey breast, skin-side down to crisp it up.

5. Carve, and serve with roast potatoes, roast carrots, Brussels sprouts and Jamie Oliver’s Get-Ahead Gravy.

Have a delicious Christmas, everyone!

 

 

 

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