Not my words, but those of my eight-year-old son, written in his school exercise book, after the lucky lad had the privilege of seeing a preview of this summer’s blockbuster event of the year, Star Trek: Into Darkness.
Yes, I’ve had words about his grammar. And yes, he has now learned how to spell ‘Absolutely’ correctly, because I made him write it down 10 times.
But who can really blame him for this lapse in grammatical ability?
After seeing this supertasticmegasensationalhyperbolicawesomesensualtsunami of a movie in 3D-iMax, he was buzzing like a swarm of bees on speed and couldn’t wait to get what he’d seen out of his head and onto paper.
I could, of course, review it as an adult, as a bone fide Trekkie who has had many a heated debate about Kirk vs Picard as the best captain; about Mr Spock vs Data as the best science officer; about Deep Space Nine vs Star Trek: Enterprise as the best forgotten; about Uhuru vs Tasha Yar as the hottest Star Fleet officer; about Klingons vs Romulans as the Federation’s greatest enemies (actually, scrub that: it was clearly The Borg).
But I think my boy does a better job.
We’d been invited to the preview on Sunday morning by our friend, Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays the bad guy, John Harrison.
A moment before the movie began, I looked at my son, transfixed on the massive screen. He squeezed my hand as the the movie exploded into life. And then it was a non-stop rollercoaster ride of breathtaking adventure with barely a pause as, like atoms in the Hadron Collider, one scene careered into another, one chase crashed into another, one fight out-punched another.
To be honest, I had been a bit torn about taking my son because of the PG-13 rating, but I figured he spends so much time fighting zombies online that a few Klingons being blasted to kingdom come wouldn’t do him any harm. And so it was. Aside from a couple of exasperated ‘Sh*ts’ being uttered and a jaw-dropping (but, sadly, split second) scene of co-star Alice Eve undressing to her bra and pants, Star Trek was perfectly acceptable for today’s kids. The punch-ups were almost cartoonish and I can’t recall a drop of blood being spilt
Two hours and 15 minutes later, it was over, and we spontaneously burst into applause.
“I feel wrung out,” I told Benedict.
“Me too,” he said.
“Remind me never to cheese you off,” I added.
Because he’s pretty scary, you see. In the movie, not in real life.
When we arrived home, I went for a lie down. But not my son. He was in a different galaxy, motor-mouthing at warp speed, asking a thousand questions, re-living a hundred moments.
“That was the coolest thing in the whole world, Dad,” he said. “No, in the universe.”
And then he stopped talking because he remembered that Benedict’s last words were that we were all sworn to secrecry until the movie was released for real.
“But I can write about it, can’t I?” he said.
Yes. And this is what he wrote.
“I woke up this morning and was so EXITED (sic) because I was going to see STAR TREK. It was apserlutly awesome. There was only 12 people there because one of the people in it invited me and my dad. My favourite character was Benedict who plays a bad guy and crushes another guy’s head.”
And there you have it. Insightful, thoughtful, witty, balanced. Mark Kermode: be afraid, be very afraid.
• Star Trek: Into Darkness hits the cinemas on May 9.