Just lately, I’ve been worried that my oldest son has been suffering from Middle-Child Syndrome. At seven years old, three years separate him from his sister to the north, and his brother to the south. Stuck in the middle with them, so to speak.
I’ve never regarded him as our Middle Child, primarily, I guess, because his sister is my stepdaughter and he is my first-born. However, of late, he’s started to withdraw from us: nagging me to head off to another kid’s house at school pick-up; preferring to spend time with a similar-aged pal than with his sister and brother.
And sometimes, it works the other way, too: his older sister finds him rather irritating. Strike that: MASSIVELY irritating. So she fusses over her ‘Little Dolly’ youngest brother whilst raising her eyebrows and tutting a lot at her next-in-line.
It came to a head with a couple of examples the other week. On the first occasion, I went to collect him from a friend’s, but the moment he’d heard the doorbell ring, he disappeared upstairs and hid in a cupboard. I had to employ my trusty crowbar (otherwise known as ‘Don’t You DARE Embarrass Me In Front Of Another Parent’ tone of voice) to prise him out.
‘You’ve been there four hours,’ I said on the sulky walk home. ‘You can’t stay there forever. You’ve got your own family.’
‘But they never play with me,’ he replied.
Which isn’t true. The other two try to get him to join in, but he often self-excludes.
The other occasion happened when he had his mate round for a return-match-playdate. When the mum turned up, my lad virtually begged her to take him with her.
The mum looked at me with an ‘It’s OK with me, if it’s OK with you’ look, and I said: ‘Fine.’
And then she said: ‘The little one can come too, if he likes.’
Cue a meltdown from the Middle Child.
‘I don’t want him to come, too. I want to go on my own,’ he tantrummed.
That was a red rag to my bull and so I petulantly sent the kind offer packing and sent the MC to his room to Have A Think about how mean he’d been to his little brother.
All of this set me thinking about his place in the pecking order, and harking back to my own childhood.
I am the eldest of four boys. My Dad called me Number One, which made me feel very special indeed. Number Four felt quite special, too, because he was babied by the rest of us (and still is, truth be told, even though he’s 43 years old).
But Two and Three didn’t feel so special. They didn’t like being Numbers. They were Free Men. And as a result, there has always been a distance between us. That’s my theory, anyway.
Fast forward to now and the Me That’s A Dad, and I don’t want my three children to grow apart as I did from my siblings. I’d like them to be thicker than thieves.
So I started to do some research into Middle Child Syndrome: does it even exist and, if so, what is it?
Here’s what I found on a website called Middle Child Personality:
‘Middle child syndrome is a condition in which children born in the middle experience feelings of emptiness, inadequacy and jealousy. It is also characterized by low self-esteem and extreme introversion, sometimes even leading to psychotic behaviour.
‘The middle child, unlike the eldest child and the youngest child, is not given much attention. They have to go the extra mile just to get some attention. Middle children tend to be achievers because they need awards to be recognised by their parents. Sadly, this also goes the other way around, they can be very troublesome and determined to get noticed even if it means getting scolded at or punished.
‘Because they lack emotional support and guidance from their parents, they will always have a sense of low self-esteem. These feelings of emptiness and loneliness make them not very friendly and maybe even weird to other people. Most likely, these negative feelings will also stop them from pursuing what they want.
‘Other observable traits of middle children are insecurity and jealousy. Being raised in an environment where they have to compete for attention, it’s natural for them to have feelings of insecurity and jealousy of others. Seeing others easily get attention while they continue to strive for attention, these feelings of resentment towards others will continue to build up. All these repressed feelings of being unloved, unwanted or even hated can trigger an extreme case of middle child syndrome where they show psychotic behaviour.’
Jesus H. Ker-ist. Heavy, HEAVY stuff.
This so freaked me out that I bought my son a book called ‘Martha In The Middle’. It’s a bit below his reading age, and it’s about a mouse – and a girl mouse, at that.
But I figured the messages would be clear enough: middle child feels unwanted, unspecial; but middle child is very special indeed, because all children are special, no matter their place in the birth order.
So how did it go down, this sagely lesson in life?
After we’d read the book together, I asked our Middle Child what he thought of the book.
‘Is it supposed to be about me?’ he asked. ‘Even though it’s about a mouse. A girl mouse?’
‘Why do you think that?’ I asked.
‘Because Martha’s in the middle, and I’m in the middle.’
‘Well, yes, son, you are. And what do you think about that?’
‘I love it,’ he replied.
‘Why?’
‘Because there’s three of us and when there’s three you can only have one person in the middle. I’m not the oldest and I’m not the youngest – I’m a bit of both.’
OK, I’m projecting here, but what I think he was trying to say was this: ‘I’m the link that bonds the other two together.’
And then he took his book off to his big sister’s room and read it to her and their little brother.
Middle doesn’t = mediocre. Just different. I just hope that when he turns into a psychotic axe murderer, he will be a very special axe murderer indeed.
I’m a middle child and I’ve always said I suffered from middle child syndrome. In fact I plan on showing this to my mum as she reckons it’s something I made up! I can identify a lot with some of the characteristics, for example I was much more ‘high achieving’ than my siblings but rarely received praise. I am, however, not psychotic (I hope anyway!) although I was a very very naughty child!! Interesting post. And one I’d agree with – I think it’s brilliant that you went out of your way to buy that book and that your son is happy to be in the middle!
Thanks Jess. If one isn’t a middle child (as I’m not) then it’s difficult to relate to, I guess just as it’s difficult to relate to being the oldest or youngest if you’re neither. Birth order fascinates me because I’ve always been ‘looked up’ to by my brothers, and they expect me to be the ‘grown up’ in times of crisis, but I’ve often wished I could relieve the burden sometimes.
I’m also a middle child (of 5!) and can also relate to a lot of your post. I hope I’m not psychotic! I love the way your lad has described his position and it’s very true – he IS the link between them and he adds something extra special to your family that a 2-child family doesn’t have. I bet his good attitude about it is due to the way you bring them all up.
I’ve often wondered about the middle child syndrome with having 3 children, although I wonder if it’s different in our case as my eldest is also the ‘eldest boy’, youngest is also the ‘youngest boy’ and the one in the middle is ‘the only girl’ so she’s special in her own way…..that’s what I tell myself (& her) anyway….in the hope that she doesn’t turn into a psychopath !
x
He sounds like he’s got it sorted perfectly!
I’m not surprised your son went into meltdown when he thought his brother was going to ‘gatecrash’ his playdate. Your son wants his own space/life with his friends and having little bro tag along would have ruined that.
I only have two but I find that each one loves doing stuff by themselves with me. So if my eldest son is out with friends, my youngest loves having me to himself and doing something together even if it’s just going to MacDo. Having the undivided attention of a parent without interruption from other siblings goes down very well.
Hi Sarah, Thanks for commenting. I agree: the meltdown probably not a symptom of Middle Life Syndrome but of ‘I want my own space’ syndrome!
Fab post. I am the eldest of three. And I get on with the youngest much better than the middle one. The middle one and I were always arguing, and often still do. I’m sure your boy will be fine. There seems to be a syndrome for everything these days. PS you may not remember me but I was sat behind you at the BIBS awards – I was the one blowing raspberries at the mention of that god awful book – 50% shades of pants.
I think there are issues to any birth order… my sister shares her woes about being the “oldest” all the time and I share my woes about being the “youngest” and there was no middle child in our family. My husband was 3 of 4 kids and has his own woes. It’s a tough one, isn’t it?
But I think it is awesome that you noticed this, took the time to read into it and then went out and bought your son a book like that. You are great
What a lovely thing to say. Thanks Amanda
Great post! We spend a lot of time thinking about our Middle Child – because like the quote says, he’s a little bit introverted and can exclude himself and act out from time to time.
The thing is, we were always aware of the middle child condition, both my wife and I being eldests and having two rather wayward second-child siblings. We made a special effort to make sure our Middle Child was given as much (and sometimes more) special attention to reassure him and build his confidence. But sometimes we see those ‘middle child traits’ coming through regardless. You could drive yourself mad thinking about it!
Definitely going to give Martha In The Middle a go though. Might be good to start that conversation with him…
I’m a Middle Child. I for sure display all of the ‘qualities’ that they say middle children do. I’m 16 years right now. I have a younger sister by 5 years and an older brother by 3 years. I’ve always felt that I am ignored (which I am, most of the time) My sister is constantly spoiled, and my parents constantly praise all of my older brothers ‘accomplishments.’ When my brother was in my grade, he would get straight B’s. My parents would congratulate him on them all the time. I, however, get straight A’s and I hardly get a peep. My parents only ever talk to me when they want something (i.e Drive to the store, go get food, take your sister here, bla bla bla) Now, I just seclude myself in my room and be as distant as possible.
I think I may have Psychotic tendencies right now, as I act on impulse all the time, I’m irresponsible, anti-social, and I just fake emotions (i.e being happy or sad, when really I could just care less about things people say in school) I’m not sure if this is just my hormones or not, but I will see in a few years.
People say that Middle Child Syndrome is just minor, but I think it has effected every ounce of my life. Really for your Son, I think you are fine. ‘Psychopaths/sociopaths’ as they call it, is only in about 3% of males in the entire world.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I have 3 children and my MC is having a tough time at school, acting out etc, was told to google MCS and this popped up!! it’s been really good to hear from other MC’s and has given me a lot to think about
I am definitely going to find my self a copy of the book, I absolutely love your son’s attitude towards being MC, and I am going to share that with mine 
thanks very much x
Thanks so much for reading. I’m glad you got something from it. Best of luck to you and your family.
Hi Keith! (assuming that’s your name Mr Blogger)
I’m a middle child. This post brought tears to my eyes especially the part where your son asked if the book was about him. That’s really precious and he sounds like a really smart kid.
Now back to the syndrome, I’ve never liked people using it even more so when they are using it to label me. It seems to me like every non-middle child person/parent with poor parenting skills is putting the blame on the middle children but no one ever addressed the parenting aspect of things when it comes to the lives of middle children and/or dealing with them.
A lot of parents make their middle children out to be paranoid and evil whilst non-middle child people just go along and agree with all that. My following real examples are gonna make me look really defensive simply because they are coming from a middle child but who cares?
Example 1 is on me:
Growing up my parents will always blame me for everything that went wrong at home or if something was broken even if I was not involved in the situation where things gone wrong or I didn’t touch the broken remote control and the likes to begin with.
How do you think I felt back then when I was just a kid? Of course I felt unloved and that my parents were being mean and unfair to me. Was I being paranoid? Far from it. My parents’ action made me feel that way. It wasn’t like they were all nice to me and then I went out to make up a story to tell others that my parents didn’t love me.
Example 2 is on my galpal’s middle daughter:
I’ve seen it one too many times where my galpal shamed her middle child on her Facebook status. If there’s any negative status update about her children, it will always end up being the middle child and it’s written using very strong negative words and actually make her middle kid sounds like a satan. Now if it was her youngest daughter, the baby can almost always do no wrong and even if the kid did something wrong, my galpal would play it down and wouldn’t use strong words to chastisize her youngest daughter.
I know both kids. Both are equally naughty, do the same bad things and throw equally horrendous tantrums but I don’t get why the middle child is always being shamed and made out to be a child from hell. Luckily the kids are only 4 and 5 and don’t have access to Facebook. Can you imagine how the middle daughter would have felt if she finds out how her mother, my friend has been writing about her? I can bet you her mother’s words would have broken her little heart and make her resent her mother.
This is just my 2 cents though. Until someone is a middle child and receiving the poor treatments that are usually received by a middle child, I don’t think anyone (not saying you Mr Blogger) should run their mouths.
And for parents, you may want to reflect on the way you’ve treated/been treating your middle child. A lot of times you don’t think you’re mistreating your middle child because if you did admit to that, that would make you a bad parent so it’s easier to just shift the blame to your middle child.
Hi there, thanks for sharing your story. It’s really interesting. I do bend over backwards to ensure our middle child doesn’t feel like the piggy-in-the-middle. I hope he feels as special and loved as his older and younger siblings, but I guess only time will tell. Best wishes to you (and, yes, Keith is my name – unfortunately!!)
I’m a middle child also. I sometimes feel that I am also the archetypal middle child; much more dark and withdrawn, both literally and metaphorically (as family photographs testify when others who are unaware ask if I am adopted or not, when of course both of my brothers are biological). Despite having got into Oxford, I sometimes feel that because my older brother “beat me to it” by going to univeristy first (not Oxford or Cambridge, for the record), I sometimes feel my parents don’t really appreciate it. And for my younger brother, he being considerably younger than both me and my older brother he has certainly been more pampered. On the flipside, despite hating most of my childhood because of the usual middle child reasons, I now find myself able to engage in and enjoy intellectual discourse with my elder brother; we study very different fields, and I enjoy us exchanging our own knowledge and forming new ideas together (although this is certainly catalysed by the fact that we may only see each other a few times per year) . But of course, if my older brother pursues academia, he will still beat me to it, despite the fact that it has been a long term ambition of mine to be an academic and a more short term revelation for my older brother. So while I actually enjoy the company of my older brother more these days, I may still end up being in his shadow and the weird scientist in the family. As for my younger brother, I can only hope that the same kind of intellectual relationship can develop as with my older brother in the future. In any case, no matter how my relations with my brothers are, I will never have that “first” or “last” privilige, despite being the most verifiably academically brilliant of three intelligent young men. In many ways, that is the essence of the middle son, great, but not exceptional for any other reason…
Hi Keith,
Thank u for this post, it is a real piece of mind to know I’m not the only one in this situation.
I have a 9 yr old girl, a 5 yr girl and a 6mth old boy and the mc is showing symptoms of the mc syndrome (except she’s not psychotic…yet!) And I feel I am to blame, the oldest is great in school and bubbly, we get along great 90% of the time! The baby boy is a joy and poor mc is desperately trying to find herself.
She’s loud, naughty, rude, crys at the smallest thing and its easy for me to shout back (afterwards I feel awful) with the eldest and her social life and the baby being an obvious demand its hard but I am going to take the advice. Set up date nights with each child specific to them, an extra story at bedtime and I’m going to buy that book you did.
Thank you again and wish me luck!
Hi EmmaJane,
Thanks for getting in touch. I wrote that post a while ago and I can honestly say that things have improved dramatically. The one-on-one times that both myself and my wife have with all our children make a real difference.ensuring that none of them get lost in the chaos of a family of five.
Our middle son (tom) is turning out to be the most wonderful, polite, helpful little boy.
I recall a scene at his school play at Christmas. A little lad was so stage-struck standing next to him that he wouldn’t stop crying. My son put his arm around him and stroked his back the entire time to comfort him. It was a wonderful moment and I am convinced that part of his nature is because he is a middle child and is used to dealing with a bossy big sister and an anarchic younger brother!
Best of luck with everything. It does get easier!
Maybe you should write a book!
Again thanks for the post, it has given ne a whole new positive outlook on how to improve relationships in my household and hopefully will make mc feel more established in her special role as the ‘bond between the other two’