Daisy, with her dad and my son!
Last week, my stepdaughter’s real dad moved 200 miles away because of work. He has seen his little girl pretty much every weekend since he and her mum separated when she was a toddler.
And if I, or her mum – and especially her dad – have anything to do with it (which, of course, we have) he will continue to see her pretty much every weekend from now and forever.
The three of us make this effort because we believe – we know – it is what’s best for our girl.
She needs her dad. Her real dad. End of.
Sadly, though, one in five children from so-called ”broken homes” are not so lucky.
According to a report, 20 per cent of kids lose one parent from their lives for good.
And now the Government is preparing to step in to “tackle the problem”.
Families minister Maria Miller said parents should take responsibility for their offspring for life and reach civilised agreements.
“We want to make sure parents are aware of the effect and the importance of working together to support their children,” she said.
“Really that should be the case irrespective of whether their relationship is intact or not.
They are parents for life and that responsibility is for life.
Mrs Miller is calling for new reforms to prevent the collapse of parental relationships. I don’t believe any Government iniative can force people to stay in contact.
In fact, some children are better off without having contact with an estranged parents, for example, in cases of violence, aggression or abuse.
But Mrs Miller’s intentions are noble enough: parents should have contact with both their parents for all their lives. Their parents should be civilised towards each other, in the best interests of the child. The parents should put aside their differences to create a stable relationship – even if they’re apart.
Should, should, should. It sometimes feels like the longest word in the dictionary.
There have been times in our own situation where things have become fraught and challenging.
Sometimes holiday plans have clashed because of a lack of communication about whose “turn” it has been to have my stepdaughter.
With her dad’s relocation, the logistics of making sure she gets to see him as often as possible is going to be a mammoth challenge for all parties. And it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask whether it actually is in her best interests to be travelling up and down motorways most weekends when she could be playing with her younger brothers or friends.
But I’ve seen the downside of children being deprived of their father – and everyone loses. A friend of mine split up with his wife four years ago – and hasn’t seen his three children since. They are now 16, 13 and 11. But despite his greatest efforts to maintain contact, their mother wanted him out of hers – and their – lives.
His crime was that he left his wife for another woman, who he has since married. In the end, he decided to cease his efforts to stay in contact because he could see how traumatic it was for his children.
Situations like this are a tragedy, for everyone involved. So what can you do, if one parent wants to stay connected to their child, but the other parent wants them out of their lives forever?
The most glib advice in the world to warring parents when emotions are at boiling point is: “Think of your child.”
That is ALL they think about, but because of the tensions, neither can think straight about what really is in the child’s best interests.
But there are practical steps you can take, especially for the parent who no longer lives with the child.
Bob Greig and Rebecca Giraud, founders of the single parent support websitesOnlyDads and OnlyMums offer 6 tips:
1. Keep dialogue going wherever possible. Skype/emails/telephone calls. A mobile phone makes a near perfect birthday present for children these days.
2. If dialogue has broken down between parents try and set up some mediation with a qualified and experienced Family Mediator. OnlyDads and OnlyMums keep an up-to-date directory and service to help you find one near you or your ex partner. Such facilitated support brings many mums and dads together on issues like contact with their children.
3. Talk to friends who have been in a similar position. What did they do? How did they cope? Dads, especially, can be slow in coming forward with such emotional issues, but do try.
4. Absence from children can bring up feelings of loss and near bereavement for many parents. Trained Counsellors can help. The British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapy keep a list of fully qualified counsellors. This is accessible via their website.
5. There are solutions for you to get back in contact with your children. These can involve going to Court, but that does not always mean employing an expensive solicitor. You can always talk with organisations like OnlyDads and OnlyMums to explore what options are open to you and the various routes you can take.
6. Keep trying and don’t give up hope.
Nishma Shah, from advice and support organisation Family Lives said: “When families separate, the key issues can be maintaining contact between the non-resident parent and the child or children and the other issue is agreeing a financial arrangement for child maintenance.
“For many families, agreements are reached as part of the separation process and need to be amicable for all concerned. However, there are families that have broken down that unfortunately have not reached any agreement with contact or finances.
“The impact of this on the children can be enormous especially if they are used to being around a parent who suddenly is not there anymore. It can be hard for parents to make an agreement if there is resentment and anger.”
Family Lives offers this advice:
• Try and separate the issue between you, the parents, and think about the child’s relationship with the non-resident parent.
• If you cannot face the other parent, think about using a friend for the picking and dropping children off.
• Consider mediation services to come to a suitable arrangement.
• If there are issues of trust or has been abusive behaviour, think about supervised contact centres.
• Try to make it a priority to be amicable to the other parent.
• Develop a parenting plan together and try to use this as a guide. There is further advice under the Access Rights section for information on Contact, Child Maintenance and other relevant issues.
Some wise words their Keith, agree with the sentiment, I think the government needs to accept that there isn’t some big program they can put in place that will solve this issue. It’s too complicated. Let’s make sure the support services are funded with as much as they need, seems the best solution.
This is such a wonderful article and it is brilliant that you are all doing everything you can to make things stable for your step-daughter.
My ex-husband and I also make an effort for our son and have also had issues with miscommunication along the way but we keep talking and it gets easier and we now double check dates and things!
It is not always easy to maintain friendliness but it is so important. My Dad left my Mum for another woman when I was 13 and my mum did everything she could to maintain contact between me and my dad. I don’t think he was in touch enough, he moved hundreds of miles away and visits were rare and I often felt pushed out of his new life, I still bear the scars of this in my 30s.
A good tip I have for maintaining contact when there is a large distance and weekly or fortnightly contact is not possible, is to set up a specific time in the week for the estranged parent to call and speak to their child. Arrange a convenient time for all of you and make sure they have a reminder/alarm in their phone just in case. We set this up for my son and his Dad and it made such a difference, he was getting so upset and stressed about not knowing when he would speak to his Dad, he now rings every Sunday evening at a set time and my son loves picking up the phone knowing it’s dad time. I hope that this regular chat will continue into adulthood and will keep the lines of communication open through the difficult teenage years.
If this situation with your step-daughter’s dad is going to be a long term one I do think weekly contact might be come unsustainable for all involved. It’s incredibly tiring and the distances involved could cause issues, even meeting half way will require a 200 mile round trip, fortnightly visits might be an easier option and actually better as it won’t be such hard going on you all. In this case that weekly call is so much more important.
Good luck with the continued contact and thank you for this post, it’s full of really sensible ideas. It’s so important to remember the children’s needs must come first.
Great post and very timely for me.
Keith, y0u are a good stepdad. I grew up in a family like yours. My elder sisters had a different dad but lived with us, my mum and dad, who was always known as Brian to them.
In the end, he was more of a dad to them. Their dad was an alcoholic, and although he had access and a new wife to try and keep him on the straight and narrow, it was quite difficult. They did see him regularly until he moved from Bucks to Norfolk and then contact dropped away a lot. When she was 18, my elder sister went on holiday in the area to find him. She knocked on the door and he said “Who are you?” when he opened it to her. She didn’t forgive him for a long time. My dad gave them both away when they got married tho I think he came to both weddings but he got more and more random as he drank more (and his wife left him).
Having said that, when he died, they all pitched in to help clear out his flat – even my mum. And although, my dad was never Dad to them, he was in all but name.
I just don’t get why people think they should want to cut the other parent out of their children’s lives unless they are really awful people. If I ever split up from my husband, I would definitely ensure the kids got to see him as much as possible. After all, they are both 50% him. However awful the situation was, he deserves access to them as much as I do. The situation you speak of with your friend is so tragic and why the government are pushing for this. But it won’t stop a lot of people using their children as weapons in the wars between them. So sad.
Thankyou for a very interesting read, I’m finding it very hard to put my own feelings aside at the moment, my 2 are seeing their dad for 3 hours every other saturday at the moment, they started off at a supervised contact centre and it was my decision to move on from there, trust is a big issue as my ex threatened to take the children in the past.
Such a difficult situation for everyone involved. My eldest isn’t my husbands and so most weekend’s she goes out with her dad. Whilst trying to ensure this happens for the sake of ‘their’ relationship we have also had to look at how it affects us as a family, she quite often misses out on doing things with us at weekends because she is with her dad. This has led to her feeling left out by US even though she lives with us! It’s never easy! Good luck and hope things work out.
Thanks to everyone who has written on this so far. It is such an emotionally and logistically fraught issue. At the end of the day, everyone’s situation is different. All we can do is share our own experiences and hope that someone will connect with that, perhaps learn something from it, or be inspired. Without question is it hard work keeping a ‘blended’ family running smoothly, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Keith (Reluctant Housedad)
A wonderful article written about a very emotive subject.
When I separated from the Dad of 2 of my children we agreed to always put the children first & to do our best for them; this resulted in 50:50 custody for both children, which changed for our Son when he expressed a wish to stay with me more & see his Dad just at weekends.
I don’t understand why Dad’s should have to battle to see their children.
Fabulous post and something I have a bit of experience in…..
xx
6 years ago I moved from Scotland to Liverpool, bringing my 2 daughters with me. We were setting up home and a new life with my new partner and their soon to be baby brother. The girls dad, my ex-husband remained in Scotland and we had agreed that the girls would visit him every fortnight for the weekend and also half of any school holidays.
In theory this sounded ideal. We would leave on a friday after school, meet at Tebay services and then do the same journey on a late Sunday afternoon.
We continued with the arrangement for a couple of years but as the girls got older, had out of school activities, a social life etc and their Dads job changed, taking him away at weekends it became apparent the arrangement wasn’t working anymore. The odd weekend was getting cancelled or swapped and they were very bored of spending a lot of their weekend in a car with no real quality time with their Dad.
Eventually we stopped the weekend visits and continued with school holidays. It does mean they only see their Dad (his wife + baby brother) approx every 6 weeks but it works for everyone. They get lengthy quality time and know there is flexibility if they ever want to go up at other times. They speak on the phone regularly, Skype and text/email too so there is still plenty of communication and that’s what’s important. Their Dad needs to know what is going on in their lives just as much as I do.
I think what you’re doing is so important for your step-daughter and I hope it all works out for you all. Good luck with all the travelling, its bloody knackering
I have to say what a wonderful family you have. Your stepdaughter is very lucky. As you mentioned many children do not get to see both parents after a split.
Luckily for me I’ve never been in this position as a child or adult. It must be so difficult to keep emotions out of the situation especially if you are the party who has been hurt.
Your blog is very informative and written beautifully. I wish you lots of luck with your situation and anyone else going through this.
You have a wonderful attitude Keith and your kids are very lucky that you think this way. Having read all the comments, I found Karen kbmanc’s comment said almost exactly what I was thinking. I’ve no doubt you will all use flexible common sense to Daisy’s ultimate benefit.
Hi there,
was really interesting to read your post. I am a step-mum, so it was good to hear the story from a different perspective. We are lucky in that I (not my hubs though) has a good relationship with my step-daughter’s mum, so our arrangements work for both parties. We coordinate holidays and Christmas and my step-daughter sees her dad (and me!) one night in the week overnight, one night a week just for tea and then one day/night per weekend and then all weekend every 4 weeks. She has stability and a routine, she knows where she is going to be and when and she has lots and lots of people that love her!
It sounds like you all have a good arrangement too. It is a shame other broken families don’t… but such is life.
Amy
We spend 2.5 hours every other weekend travelling up on a Friday. We spend the weekend with my partners parents, and then we travel all the way back again. This is because my partners ex wife moved 200 miles away without telling him, and unless we do this, he doesn’t see his son. However, it means that my son spends 5-6 hours of the weekend that he is with us, in the car. Then he stays at the grandparents for the weekend. It’s very hard on him, and he’s becoming resentful, but he loves his stepfather so much, he’ll keep doing it.
My Dad always drove the couple of hours every other weekend to collect us on the Friday night (Mum never dropped us at his or met him halfway) and on the Sunday he’d drive back a longer route so we could go to his parent’s for Sunday dinner.
I never knew at the time how hard that was for him – how he worked Saturday mornings the weekends we weren’t there so a; he could leave early on a Friday to collect us earlier and get more time with us and b; he didn’t spend as much time alone at home missing us.
He often couldn’t afford to pay maintainence AND pay for fuel to collect us and drop us home – he’d call those weeks and say he couldn’t afford both – Mum would say tough, pay and don’t see them – we would say we didn’t need the money, we’d rather see him.
Mum opened bank accounts in our names that Dad paid the money into – she thought it would make him feel guilty and pay better/more regularly – but he was poor, so we just fibbed and told her the cash was there so we could see him.
He was very bad with money – and unreliable financially – but Tuesday and Thursday nights he always rang, and he gave us phone cards so we could call him or we could go to the phone box and reverse the charges – my step dad wasn’t like you. He didn’t try to ensure our relationship with Dad was maintained – he did his damnedest to break it and get in the way of it, because he’s an arsehole.
You should be so proud to be parenting so well, as a team. Lucky kids – well done all of you.
I completely agree Keith, Lord knows there are times when I could have gleefully murdered my exhusband but we always know that Meg comes first, its not her fault we couldnt make it work and we shouldnt ever make her suffer for it. As my ex left our house, I remember calling after him and saying ‘no matter how much you might come to hate me and I might come to hate you, lets never make Meg pay for our mistakes’ and to be fair to him he never has. For acres of time he never paid a dime and I didnt care, he was a good dad, he spent every weekend with her and always put her first and I respected that, when we moved away it was hard but we managed it and you will too Keith as you understand the importance of a dad x